Finish what you started …

Lately I have been very busy. Christmas, New Year’s Eve and New Year are such a great way of losing track of time, especially when you are hanging out with friends and YOUR BEST FRIEND. I have noticed I have not recorded any of my hanging-out activities, but it is due to my own like. I prefer to keep my memories to myself, remember this is the life of a very special, aka, queer boy.

Year 2009 had a very odd goal for a boy like me: “Stop being a queer boy”, I could not achieve it, but I made a lot of progress myself. I stopped lying with everyone I saw, I developed the best friendship in the world, and lately I fell in love with my best friend.

The last point of the year was very troublesome; I feared that I could lose him, maybe because he was afraid of something. There were some words that really hurt me such as the ones that implied that he would doubt to sleep with me, before he would have said YES, but now he doubted it. That hurt me, it made me feel that I was no longer, deserving his trust. After that, I decided, leave him or change that “love”. I did not had any sexual feelings about him, it was just, I don’t know how to say it. I told him everything, because I thought that as my best friend, he had the right to know, so he can be aware.

And, that was it. I enjoyed being with him. I love him so much, that I will never forget how he helped me change my life. This 2010, will, serve as my transition point. I will improve my relationship with God and be the kid, that he wants me to be. The new objective for the year is: “FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED”

With no more to say, Happy New Year!

Regards,
Reivax Onirem

Because I can’t live with the fact of me, hurting you.

Recently I have been very worried about the fact that my best friend is missing. He is not the accessible guy anymore. He is hard to find, hard to contact to, hard to everything, even to get him to laugh. He is hard, but lovable. I once expressed my need to have him with me 3/4ths of a day. Today, I managed to get 1/4 of my goal.

There is something that scares me. I know I love him so much, I am conscious about he is a man and he is my very best friend, but I am sure I can hurt him in some way, and I don’t want to. Recently my thoughts are being very nasty, sex, and sex, are all within my mind. Even though I promised him, I feel like I may fall. I wanted to talk with him about that but, “I am not the same, we talk through Internet” was his response to a simpler question, so I couldn’t imagine his reaction towards my complete problem. I am in love with a man, and I want him so badly, he is so damn good for me, but I find him impossible to get, my mind and heart opposes and makes this event impossible, but a part of me is willing to get into a relationship with that guy. It is so hard to ever find a real boyfriend, but I am sure this guy is. In the gay world, boyfriends are just for having sex and “enjoying”, but I am kind of different, I want for my boyfriend to be a nice guy, talkative, sweet, warm and kind. I don’t plan to have sex with him every single day or night. Lying down on a bed and hugging your boyfriend must be enough, I guess. Eventually sex will come. I just promised that I won’t engage myself with that guy, it seems impossible to do; I have him in my mind everyday. The other guy I have in my mind even more is my best friend, I care about him a lot and well he is worth everything for me, so my promise was to keep me away from that guy, if Tito is with me. If my best friend is right next to me, helping me out, fighting those demons with me, then I guess I can keep away from those insane passions.

The other thing that is worrying me, and I want to tell him, I just hope that he reads this post is the fact that I am replacing my possible boyfriend for him. What if I end up falling in love with my best friend? I would have to disappear from his presence, which I find extremely hard, I can barely live without him, but it will be necessary, as I don’t want to do stupid things and hurt our friendship, a.k.a. hurting him.

Today I had 6-7 hours to spend with the man who changed the way I see life, when he enjoys, I enjoy. I just hope he is doing quite well, I am telling through here, all the things, I would like to tell him today, but his “I am not the same” did not allowed me to do. If you are reading this, let me ask you, before you are scared about me, please, let me be scared about us, I don’t know what is going to happen, but I want to keep my promise, but I still can’t calculate the random possibilities of life, if I ever fall for you, please stay away from me, let me suicide myself, because I can’t live with the fact of me, hurting you.

Caring,
Reivax Onirem

I was lost, but you found me…

I had since a couple of days ago, the need of writing a post which reflects my inner status towards the recent lack of that very special someone. Lately, my life has concentrated on that someone, besides, every time I think of him, my best friend, I get lost within a deep space of sorrow, I think I get homesick.

He is on my mind every time, I can’t conceive the idea of being alive without his support. Lately, when he is being shown as a goner, well, I have had a hard time getting through it, the fact is that the mere action of thinking of him, makes me miss him. I get desperate when I miss him, I would like then to have him in front of me. I don’t ask him to talk, nor to pay attention to me, by the simple task of being there, I get satissfied.

I don’t mind if the people surrounding him think I am a fag, but I do care if they call him so. As I was saying before, I miss him, odd enough, he is the only remarkable one I can find within the stuff I frequently visit or use in the Internet. Recently I saw his name on facebook, I can’t believe how that name strucked me. Just by seeing his name, my heart weeps for him, I just, I just wonder if one day, I can spend with him, at least 3/4 of the day.

Lately, the lack of him, has made my desire of seeing him greater and greater. As time goes by, so does my soul chasing him, I just love him, I am sorry if my feelings scare you, but I want to be transparent on what I feel about you. You are more like a brother to me, I love you man.

In the end, I want to say, I was lost, but you found me. I am eternally grateful to you my best friend.

Once again, I love you,
Reivax Onirem

Unlock the door …

A lot of time has passed since the last time we saw, we met, we talked, and we were “us”. I can only say that this time has been long, wicked, crippled and everlasting. I can’t find words to express how low I have been able to fall down. How great the fear of losing you was, I just can’t think about it.

I can just reluctantly accept the fact that you live in a parallel world, a different tunnel from mine. Each day, at least the days in which I see you, I escape successfully to my “home”, however, as a kid that locks himself because he feels that the world is not fair and waits for a grown up to unlock the door and apologize for the injustice, that’s how I feel.

Even though I want to see him, I lock myself, just waiting, anxiously, to see him. My life has become a monotonous list of things to do, because the real me, is just when you are there, with me.

I have always tend to lock myself within the door of secrecy, I must confess that I just wait for you to unlock me, I locked myself with the only purpose of seeing you coming through that door, unveiling me, unlocking me.

How stupid is life without your presence. For sure, I don’t know how I could live many years without knowing at least your name. You have become my drug, my heroin, my only addiction in life. As someone in the process of drug rehabilitation, I need drug in order to change again. I can hardly breathe normally if you are not with me.

Personally, I have been waiting for you, whenever a sound is made, a mail arrived, a notification is there, whatever that can communicate me with the world. I just think about you, with the hope that it is you the one the notification talks about, but then, deceived again, and anxious, I reluctantly accept that you are not there, and I miss you, and I dream about you, and I hope those dreams come true.

I am sorry. I can imagine all kind of thoughts crossing your mind, but it is for sure, that I can’t hurt you. I am sorry my friend, I just feel a deep hole within my chest, a huge gap, a gap that can only be filled with you.

I love you,
Reivax Onirem

My life, My trip, My dream …

Many days have passed since the last time I wrote. Time has passed and the only reason I find to justify is nonsense. I have been hoping that my mind could get some air, but it seems that this feeling has come to make its home in my heart. I had one weekend spent in the things of the church, taking care of some children while being with some friends.

I was not sure of going, my dad had some trouble with me, and I have seen myself as the problem point within my family. I was almost going to end myself putting a knife in the middle of my veins, tearing them apart and slicing the blood inside. But I finally didn’t.

I went to my trip, I had to go anyways, I had compromised myself before. So far it was fine. I just recalled that I was leaving my best friend behind. Since the beginning, I could just, how could I say IT!…

While I was on that bus, I recalled him, the last words I told him were:

“te extranare bastante, en especial xq .. me he acostumbrado a la idea de verte, y te amo. Se que siempre estas a mi lado, la verdad, no se que decir, xq todo queda corto. Pero date una idea, de que, no podria vivir sin mi mejor amigo, de alguna forma, me mantienes vivo. Te amo..”

It was true, in fact, it is still a truth. As time went by, and we were near the camping spot, it came to my mind the idea that my very best friend was there, he was awaiting for me, and I was arriving to him. Suddenly, my bubble dream vanished; I remembered that he told me, he was not going. I thought that the day was going to be a crap; I was so used to see him that nothing else in the world could replace what I felt, for him.

The day went on, I just had a little bit of fun, I promised him I would. I could just keep my promise. In the mountains, in the valley, no communication was found for me, the need for a computer, the need to talk to him, was so great, so big, that I just figured out, that maybe, I could imagine him there. Quite weird, but I just couldn’t imagine my life without him, two days, the two days I am used to see him.

At night, the fireplace was ready; the fire was on, everything happened as the people wanted it to be, except for me. I was still looking for my friend, in the middle of the fog, of the cold, of the sky, of the land, I found myself every time looking for him, thinking of him, missing him.

In the middle of the prayer, with all the lights gone and alone, I was crying, the need of forgiveness, the need of change, brought tears to my eyes. I thought that if he would be with me, I would have just jumped to his arms to cry.

The whole place was in the midst of darkness, something went wrong with the light and it never came, therefore candles were used. Gustavo and I, joined our kids and slept in the same room, the kids slept at 10:30 pm approximately, then, we talked and talked until 5:12 am, when he, slept.

We talked about me, about him, about my best friend, about time, about death, about kids, about marriage, about friends, about life, books, dreams, work, college, money, the trip and love.

I was almost going to cry when we spoke about me, about my problems. Three times I contained myself, because I don’t know, or because I doubted how Gus will react. So, I decided to turn around sometimes, and don’t look at his face. At 3 am, lights were off, the candles no longer existed and we were at total darkness, still we kept talking, as opposed of what we thought, until 5 am.

I can’t say I had a bad time, but honestly, I wanted my best friend the most, I was in need for him. Some could say that I am thinking about him a lot, but I say that love is care, and I do love him.

I think he is not being 100% sincere with me; I just wanted to ask him. He promised he would come online for me today, I hope he has not forgotten his promise.

Regards,
Reivax Onirem

“Estamos aquí para vivir en voz alta.”

Me consume, me irrita, me llena y me deja. Así me siento, después de tanto tiempo. Hace ya mucho que no escribo, hace ya días que dejé de gravar mis memorias en aquí. El cincel y el martillo no han podido, a mi falta de acción, gravar todo.

Si bien es cierto, la semana anterior, visité un cine, vi una película y pasé un tiempo. Y aunque sea raro que escriba en español, la situación amerita.

¿Y cual es esa situación? La única que me motiva. Hace ya mucho tiempo que dejé de mirar la vida como se supone que es. He encontrado alguien a quien amar, un hombre, desdichado yo otra vez. El pecado se paga con muerte, y creo que hacia allá voy encaminado. Y aunque se me ocurre hacer de todo, decir todo, vivir de todo y no dejar apaciguar lo que siento por lo que se dice allá afuera, siento, sin embargo, que es necesario dejar atenuar éste sentimiento.

Por cuán confuso luzca mi ser, por cuán estúpida la situación, todo sucede con un objetivo, una mira a la cual observar.

Sólo quería contribuir unas líneas, por ahora no encuentro más razón de vivir más que seguirlo, pero es mi insólito, prometedor y empeñoso deber escribir, ya que: “Estamos aquí para vivir en voz alta.”

Saludos,
Reivax Onirem

… Without the people I love.

Have you ever cried for fear? Have you ever thought that one word can destroy your world? I am just crying because I started to think. Studies, people, we all come to the conclusion that AIDS is an awful disease.

I have lain with many people through my years; many people have “satisfied” me. Satisfaction, therefore, is not the way but the goal. Wicked goal! If you ever come to your senses, you will notice that you are never satisfied, you are always willing to do and want more, thus it is a vicious cycle, a cycle, almost impossible to end.

So which is my fear? I do not fear of aids itself, but of people. I find that I would not be able to stand to be one day, without the people I love. I mean, people tend to mark, to isolate, to discriminate other people, especially those who have aids, and truth be told, I don’t care unless those people, are the people I love.

I just have to wait, to see what the medical exams have to tell me. I hope I turn to be clean, at least in blood, because in heart, I am not that clean, but rotten to the core.

Would I tell dad? Well, I don’t have to, he doesn’t know many things about my life, one more, one less, it is still a secret to him, why would I tell, it makes no difference.

Would you pray for me?

Regards,
Reivax Onirem

Even If I knew I can’t, I would still try.

I have had some new experiences lately. I have been doing so many things with my friends and other people that I’ve managed to collect livings. The last week, I was planning to go with a friend to a pool and I had to think if that would be good, bad, wrong or right, and it turned to be interesting. The fact is that my best friend was going to be resented with me if I did not go, so I decided to go, reluctantly but I went. Interesting enough, when I arrived to his home, he tried to teach me how to play Gears of War, but I am so stupid for those things that I was an easy target for every monster in the game, well in the portion of the game. Later, I discovered that we were not going to get to Marcelo’s home on a private car; instead we had to take a bus, kind of “not-a-good-idea” for me. So this was the first time I took a bus, I didn’t feel wrong or something like that, the idea that he was next to me, really gave me some confidence, so I felt quite normal, quite calm. Suddenly two people appeared, although he seemed to worry and I thought they were weird, we got off the bus near, and so everything was OK. When I arrived to Marcelo’s home, I was given a GOOD recommendation, DON’T SPEAK! Why? Because I speak gay-ly. Well, it was fine for me; I was going to do, what Tito did, so wherever he went, I would go with him. Once the car was in movement, I told him: “It’s hard to hide yourself”, well it is difficult to appear to be someone you are not, WITH EVERYBODY, I also thought he had to teach me how to speak “manly”, that would be way better than learning how to play Gears of War.

The car rode was finished, we arrived to that place full of policemen, there was a pool, a few guys, a few girls, a lot of water. Umm, so I had to change myself, and well I did, I didn’t want to go to the pool at first, but I didn’t have “will” that day, Marcelo just got me and threw me there, so I, practically, had no opinion, no power of saying yes or no. First we went to a sauna, the first room was ok, at first it hurt but later you get used, so did I, however when we went to the steam room, I hated that, it was hell, so I knew that if I disliked that in-quotations “hell”, I would dislike even more the real one. Later came the sick part, my two friends were looking at women, I didn’t like that part much, you see, I felt really odd. It is like, I am a boy, but I have nothing to share with you, I don’t understand you. I was very gay that day, but it was not real.

That day, I told my best friend, when he was hugging me, that he was exciting me, well he was not doing that. He is my best friend, but I have still to tell him, that never in life I could do something against his integrity, but I have to keep in mind that he is a man too, but not any man, he is a like a brother to me, very close. Everyone tries to protect his family, so do I with him, even if I knew I can’t, I would still try, because he is worthy enough for me. The day was over, after going to eat some odd things, and well Marcelo’s dad left in the corner of San Marino, then I had to wait 15 minutes for my dad. That night I was expecting a movie, but tickets were all sold, so there was no movie for me, instead we went to eat pizza. I returned home, all tired, and went to sleep.

Today, I had to face another car thing. I was on a car, the driver, who turned to be a friend’s best friend, was driving, he was 19. I wanted to laugh when I saw that the maximum speed allowed was 40 Km/h and he was at 120 Km/h, 3 times the allowed speed. Getting near “El Condado” of Vicolinci, there is a kind of bridge and after that a very narrow turn, we were still at 120 Km/h, and he took that turn. The wheels started to sound crazy, they started to screech, and seconds later, as he was going out of the road, he decided to turn and/or stop the car, wildly the car started to shake, as if it was belly dancing, I foresaw a big wild spin on the car, so I decided to move from my seat and lay near the ground. Seconds later, the car hit with a pathway, the tires of my side, exploded and the girl in front of me, hit he head. I was fine after all. I had to call dad, I was safe and healthy but, I was on the “Perimetral” and well, I had to go to school. The girl said it was OK, she was not bleeding but her head and ears hurt. We called dad, he never knew what was going on as the car was in a perfect state, everything was ok besides the engine and the wheels, so, he never suspected of a crash. I didn’t told him either. I just said, the tires exploded and that’s all. I arrived to school and everything was fine. And now, I am tired, I want to sleep.

Regards,
Reivax Onirem

“I have tried so very hard as hell to stay away from hell…”

So today is practically a good day, good news and bad ones too. The good ones, I will take my Wado Ryu exam on December 20^th, but the bad ones is that it is Sunday, so, I will, maybe, lose church time, and if I don’t lose that time, that will mean I will have to go with the “Karategui” to church, which is very embarrassing. VERY!

So, I came home and suddenly, as I opened Songbird, some music started playing, good, but it wasn’t what I was expecting.

I don’t have the feeling to write right now, so I’ll just post the song.

Myself – Maroon 5
Fourth World

I have told
All of my enemies
Very politely
To go home
I have seen
All of your remedies
Now won’t you let me please
Go home?

I can’t find anything to be sad about
They say I’m doomed, but I feel fine

I have tried
So very hard as hell
To stay away from hell
And live upstairs
But when I see
All of your remedies
I try quite desperately
To go home

I can’t find anything to be sad about
They say I’m doomed, but I feel fine
But if I’m sitting here lonely with no one to hold me
At least I’ll have my health
I’m trying to control myself

I have told
All of my enemies
Very politely
To go home
I have seen
All of your remedies
Now won’t you let me please
Go home?

I’ve been acting irresponsibly
But what could go possibly go wrong?
I have choked on all your remedies
Now won’t you let me please
Go home?

But if I sit here lonely
With no one to hold me
At least I’ll have my health
I’m trying to control myself

I’m trying to control
Myself

Regards,
Reivax Onirem

Please make me think!

I have noticed that lately I have been losing control of my own doings. Lately I have been living as if I knew no God; recently I have been living as if being alone, forgetting all my promises to you. I am sorry that I am so weak to carry them out. I am sorry to be so weak. You just don’t deserve a friend like me. Think it again, I am gay, why would you let someone like me into your friend’s circle?

I am sorry to put you through this. You are the only man on earth I can rely on, many may know about me, but, just in case you haven’t noticed, you are the only one who has won my entire trust. I am sorry. Lately I have been losing conscience and faith; I have been living just for me, in my own will, for pleasure. How stupid I am!

Still, even though I know I am wrong, I still can’t seem to do anything about it. So, can I ask you a favor? Would you make me think, would you remind me all those things that once I promised? Could you remind me what I need in order to restore my mental order? Please, make me think, go straight to my heart and make it shiver, make it tremble with righteousness.

Struck me with hope, with faith, please, pray for me, I just can’t seem to do it lately. I don’t want to die being gay, I don’t want this world to end before I can finally change, this is taking too long, and I can’t seem to figure out why. I am desperate to know what I should do. Please teach me, please make me think!

Tito, if you love me the way I love you, please, do something about me. I beg you.

In sorrow,
Reivax Onirem